“I’m not going to make the same mistake as my weird uncle”

Jerome here:

I’m not normally the one to throw others under the bus. I recognize that I have a lot of weird quirks and habits that would be looked down upon by the most objective of judgmental bitches.  But Jesus Christ, I’m going to have to seriously take issue with my weird ass uncle on this one.

Well, technically, he’s not my uncle… He’s my dad’s cousin, which makes him my second cousin. Which makes his son, who I am quite good friends with, my Bleh..? No seriously, Google says he’s my second cousin once removed, but that’s bullshit, let’s be honest. God didn’t intend for us to live so long that we had to worry about this crap. He might’ve also not intended for us to ever really develop speech. Even less likely did he intend for a powerful search engine like Google to come into being to challenge his omniscience… But I digress.

This fucking uncle, man- every day this 62 year old bozo posts these pictures on Facebook of half-nude females with frat-boy comments underneath- “Boy, would I take a piece out of her”, “Can you even find a mistake in that flawless bod??”

And normally, I just look the other way. I have the strength to say, “I am not looking at the bullshit smut my uncle fantasizes about. I am a bigger man!”

But then, yesterday, I finally clicked on one of the pictures. Because, yes, I may walk the moral high ground of a young Siddhartha, but dammnnn, was this bitch hot. I mean, I could fry an egg on that ass! And those godly Double D’s, I would wreck heerrrr. 

But just before I  reached the holy grail of epic hotness, my browser faded to a large pop-up asking me to sign my Facebook up to allow a Photobucket knockoff to post pictures on my wall. And it all became brilliantly clear. My. Uncle. Has. Been. Duped.

I look inward, deep into my onion-layered soul and I repeat these words- I’m not going to make the same mistake as my weird uncle. I’m not going to make the same mistake as my weird uncle. I’m not going to make the same mistake as my weird uncle.

I’m not. I don’t care how banging this babe is. I don’t care how much I long to see her duck face juxtaposed with a contrapposto pose. I don’t care how many buckets of joy she will bring to my life. I won’t do it. 

You couldn’t pay me to do it. I may be a Med School reject, down on my luck, always looking for the next buck. But I won’t. Not for a million dollars. I am better than that. There are other places on the Internet where there are not just half-nude females. Nay, I say! There are fully nude females performing unspeakable acts! Why would I ever jeopardize my sacred Facebook integrity just to see some faded out picture that I could find with a quick Google search? (I highly doubt God knows as much about porn as Google, let’s be honest with ourselves)

So that’s it. I’ve convinced myself to do the right thing. This site will not post for me. I won’t give it a second thought.

But, wait… I just scrolled through my uncle’s Facebook to discover that the things he says, out of context, are genuinely very witty. If I didn’t know this man, if I didn’t realize he grew up with my father- and is enormously uncool by association- I would friend this guy in a second.

Even if half his posts are made by some stupid image hosting website on his behalf, he genuinely is a funny, thoughtful guy. I would get drinks with this dude. I would consider marrying his daughter if he had one, just so I could hang out with my cool ass father-in-law. Shit, his personality is better than my mostly original one that I have spent two decades so meticulously honing. But when was the last time someone asked to take me out to drinks? Or even to marry my daughter?!

Fuck this! Image website, I welcome you wholeheartedly into my life! Tell the jokes I’m unwilling to make, call out the honeys I’m unwilling to approach, post the pictures I find too distasteful, MAKE ME THE MOST POPULAR MAN IN ALL THE WORLD!

In return, I’ll copy and paste your words everywhere, claiming them as my own. Not just on my Facebook, but in my real social interactions- with my parents, prospective mates- hell, pets even. Your words will be spread to the farthest reaches of my world. Anything to cover up this vapid, shriveled attempt at a personality that I can’t for the life of me figure out how to parlay into a girlfriend.

So here I say it- “I will not make the same mistake as my weird uncle!”

I won’t cowardly stop at just letting this website post for me. No, I will be this website. With my newfound, heavy-handed social grace, I will bring smiles to the faces of newborn babes, I will piss out the fires of societal strife with my generalized witticisms, I will rule the world!

Unless the website doesn’t want me to. Because the last thing I want to do is to offend the website.. er.. myself.. er.. my chances at popularity .. er.. my weird ass uncle.. er.. Who am I supposed to be again?

My head whips back, with my mouth agape, releasing a deep, booming voice:

PUNY MORTAL, YOU HAVE UNLEASHED ME ONTO YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG CONFIDANTS! YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY WHEN MY REIGN OF TERROR BEGAN! I WILL PISS O….

As I disconnect my Facebook account and sheepishly start building a new page, I wonder why I had to make the same mistake as my weird ass uncle… Maybe the lesson here is that his lack of online tact is merely an attempt to connect with others- perhaps I should be more tolerant, maybe even reach an olive branch out to this older generation that so dearly wants to stay connected. Yeah, I like that. That lesson makes this entire experience worth it. I will never forget it.

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But that fucking grandma of mine.. If I have to read one more stupid status asking where the remote is, or is signed like some weird Depression era telegram… I swear to God.. I will unfriend her ass faster than the world realized Usain Bolt was a douche. Needless to say, I would never make the same mistake as my senile old grandma…

Stop.